Let me preface this post

04Sep09

with pictures of kittens and puppies

and pretty song lyrics

Rilo Kiley: Spectacular Views

In steep cliffs
with rocks all piled up
mysteries of your passing luck
Ages past
shells and bits of foam
forming new limestone
to give things their turn

There are no bad words for the coast today

You never knew why you felt so good
in the strangest of places
Like in waiting rooms
and long lines that made you late
and mall parking lots on holidays.

There are no bad words for the coast today
when we hold our breath until nothing’s left
it all starts to fade.

We can see the stars
from where the birds make their homes
staring back at us.
Indifferent
but distanced perfectly
projected endlessly
it’s so fucking beautiful.

There are no better words for the coast today
then you ask what’s a palisade
and if we’re too late for happiness?

And now allow me to continue. I have had what most would consider to be a good month. It is now September 4th. In the past 30 days, I have successfully passed my first semester of grad school with great grades. I went to Portland which was fantastic. It was the best trip of my life, thus far. I have a new Betsey Johnson watch that is really awesome. I even got a new bedspread that is blue, to inspire creativity. I mainly bought it because it was on sale, but whatever. I have found a new favorite band, Super Mash Brothers. I have begun my second semester (but first “real” semester) of grad school. I am on the fast track to finishing grad school in a timely manner. I am taking some really awesome classes that I understand, and so far I have been able to keep up with all my homework. I have made some new friends. And I have gotten new business professional clothes. My 21st birthday is in 9 days. All of my friends are back in town.

I feel like there is some sort of feeling that I am grasping at but just not getting. It is very frustrating. I got mono around the second week of grad school- around the second week in July. At first, it didn’t really bother me a lot. I was super tired and my body hurt constantly, but besides that I was fine. I figured that when I got back from Portland I would go back to waitressing on the weekends and I would feel better. The doctor told me it was only a 4-6 week illness. I got back from Portland and went back to the doctor and still had mono. No worries, I would just give it two more weeks and I’d feel better and I could go back to work. The tiredness has gotten worse. The body pains come and go, but when I have them (more often than not) they are really bad.

I am writing this post mainly to apologize for my shafty behavior. My mindset has sort of set itself around the mono. I feel like it is holding me back from everything I should be doing. I can hardly clean my house. I feel like there is so much more I need to be accomplishing- such as working on the weekends- that I am just not able to do. This mindset has sort of taken over my personality. I am mopey and pessimistic and depressed (not like legit depressed or anything). I am so ready to feel better and not have to deal with the semi-constant pain and frustration that it is all I can focus on. Any small thing is pissing me off or upsetting me. I am blowing tiny issues into huge ordeals. I am making mountains out of mole hills. This is not fair at all to my friends. As such, I have distanced myself from my friends and even my family a bit. For that I am sorry. I have been blowing up at people and my tolerance for anything is so low that I have figured it best to just not talk to everyone as much.

Now I realize that you all love me and think this is not the best decision. I can barely tolerate myself. You know that feeling that you get when you just feel entirely out of body, like you are hovering over yourself and watching what you are doing but don’t have much control over it? That is how I have felt for the past few weeks. Allow me to emphasize something: I have so, so much to be happy for. I am in a place in my life I never, ever thought I would get to. I have really great friends. My parents and family are fantastic. I have lots of neat things and a cool house and a great Master’s program. Although Alabama sucks and I hate the geographic region, I honestly don’t have much longer to go until I finish my degree. I am on a very positive career path. I am not dating anyone and I am happy about that (I sometimes struggle with this happiness and question it, but I know this is the place I am supposed to be in).

Maybe I need Jesus. Or maybe just Zanex. But I really honestly can’t wait till this mono clears out. I need it to so bad, I can barely explain it. I literally laid in bed crying tonight out of frustration. I am very sorry to those I have hurt or distanced or who are worried about me. I am just angry. I am going to try and make a conscious effort to think positive. Once I resign myself to a fate it is hard for me to break my mind free of it. So be patient with me, I’ll come around. <3

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